My ADHD

Dear Doctor,

It is almost 2:30 in the morning and I’ve been lying awake for quite some time mulling over in my mind what you said during our last appointment. During the appointment I kept thinking to myself, how can I help her understand what it feels like to  have ADHD as an adult? And I woke up tonight and started thinking about it again, and I can’t settle my mind down to get back to sleep thinking the same thing. So I thought that I would get up and write some of the things I struggle with in the hope that you would see things the way that I do.

I struggle with executive function. For me, that means I can’t keep a lot of things in my mind at the same time or for very long. When copying a string of numbers for a license key from an email to an application, I have to flip back and forth after every fourth or fifth character because I can’t remember more than that at a time. I struggle with remembering what I was just reading because my mind went somewhere else for a bit. So I reread the last page, only to have this happen again. And again. And again. There are times when I get extremely frustrated  with myself because the distractions waste so much time. And these things are not something that are recent, that can be attributed to my getting older. I’ve struggled with these my whole life, I just didn’t know why.

I struggle with getting things done. I know what I need to do, the important but not urgent things that never seem to get done until they become important and urgent. Tasks that would only take five minutes to do, but I just can’t seem to engage.

Yes, I have over the years come up with things that have helped me get by in my professional as well as personal life. I have created routine upon routine that have helped me appear ‘normal’ to others. They work, sometimes, maybe even most of the time. But the amount of effort that it takes to complete those routines taxes my energy. At the end of the day, I struggle even to have a basic conversation about how my day went with my wife. The effort is just to much, so I sit there saying nothing even though I have things I’d like to talk to her about. 

And when I am not able to completely follow my routines, (like will probably happen tomorrow as the first rule for me is to get a good night’s sleep and here I am in the middle of the night writing this) my day absolutely falls apart. I have things that may not NEED to be done today, but they are important nonetheless. I’ll probably not be able to get them all (or any) done, and I’ll end the day once again tired, frustrated, and emotionally spent.

You say that I may not struggle enough to warrant the use of stimulant medications to help my situation. Well I beg to differ. I do struggle to get through the day. Every day. I do struggle expressing how hard it can be, especially to those in authority, like my doctors and my boss. I don’t want to look weak, or helpless, or let others now how much I struggle. I have always held it inside, and the anxiety and stress that creates only makes things worse and makes me feel worse.

So I have read on the subject. I’ve read a lot on the subject. I don’t pretend to think that I have the education that you have had, but I do believe research has shown in more recent years how much ADHD can and does affect adults, even older adults such as myself. We should not be dismissed as if our lives don’t matter as much because we’re older and don’t have, or will soon be leaving, full-time employment. It may not affect our professional lives anymore, but ADHD still affects our personal lives.

I have read and come to understand  that ADHD is the most treatable psychiatric illness. I have been trying to get diagnosed and treated for almost two years now. It has been a battle. To get doctors to actually listen to what I’m saying (and the things I struggle to say). The risks are not as great as many have been led to believe. Especially for me as there is no history of heart issues in my family. In either case, what little risk there is is a risk I’m willing to take to help me with my ADHD. So help me. Or if you’re not willing to help, refer me to someone who will.